Today’s inane image of the day:
I always looked forward to having lunch with my co-workers primarily because our conversations touched upon a spectrum of topics. It was an unsaid rule that we would not talk about work, especially since we only had a precious 30 minutes to consume a meal, soak up the sun and talk about the latest news.
During my “going away” lunch, someone noted that I seemed to have a contingency plan for everything — even things that are unlikely to happen. I probably should just live life in the present and only consider possibilities for the future… but instead, I mentally chart out a plan of action, then come up with some pretty well-thought out backup plans — just in case. Maybe I should have more faith in myself and just believe that things will work out for the best, but I always feel like I’m gripped in a state of fear and “what if” scenarios.
The best example of my serial contingency planning is when I was stuck in waitlist limbo. By the time I had begun the application cycle, I was unconvinced that I would be successful because of a slew of failed attempts to gain transfer admission to several colleges/universities, a fellowship opportunity and the Fulbright ETA grant program. With that particular track record, it seemed unlikely that I was “good enough” for medical school, so I came up with a number of backup plans.
I wonder what it would feel like to just sit back, relax and live in the moment; sometimes I feel paralyzed because I cannot get my mind to move on from what will be or could be.
This mentality has been driving a stake in my relationship — while we agreed to stay together despite the 1000+ miles and the uncertainty in time it will take him to complete his doctoral program, I have my doubts. I am anxious about the unknown time that we’ll be separated from one another. I am depressed that I will not have my rock to lean on when medical school overwhelms me.
Gah! Uncertainty is such a pain in the butt.