Curing my brain rot (brainmaxxing protocol ep1)

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Shop this photo at my Amazon storefront! *Affiliate links used – thank you for helping me support this hobby!

As I type this, I have a Pomodoro timer running for 25 minutes to see if I can write a blog entry without getting distracted [not pick up my phone!].

For those of you who do not know, the Pomodoro Technique involves breaking up the work into time blocks. Currently I’m using a 25-minute time block, as a way to see how I feel about uninterrupted work for this amount of time, but hope to work my way up to 50-minute time blocks [wish me luck!].

It’s literally only been 5 minutes, and I’m itching to pick up my phone. Must. Resist.

This was all inspired by a podcast talking about this study on blocking mobile internet on smartphones. I was impressed by the results:

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Anesthesia is an AI [artificial intelligence]-proof job [for now]

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Sometimes you’ll find me outside of the hospital. Pictured here is my guilty pleasure: reformer pilates [$10 off at my studio – join me!]. I always feel amazing after a class. I guess teaching pilates could also be considered another “AI-proof” job?

I feel like everyone’s talking about AI taking jobs. It seems like the tech world has been impacted by the AI boom with reductions in force. I’ve heard that those that managed to keep their jobs are using AI-generated code in place of an entry-level coder. They are AI-augmented workers. It’s crazy to think that when I was growing up, computer programmers/software engineers had the most stable job prospects. After all, we rely so heavily on computers and the software that runs on them!

Growing up in an immigrant household with a scarcity mindset, it was always on my mind that I wanted to select a stable career. One that would always have stable job prospects. The typical teaching was that doctors, lawyers, and engineers would always have work. I think that even in this day and age of AI, this continues to ring somewhat true.

I was having a conversation with someone about AI and it came up that we will still always need judges. We will always need a human to render decisions based on the rules that we’ve set forth. That’s a very human job. So there are avenues for lawyers.

And we will always have physical products that need engineers to be part of the design/creation/maintenance.

But anyway, I’m a doctor, so I’m going to speak on the field I practice in.

Specifically, I am an anesthesiologist and an ICU physician. When I was deciding whether or not to do a fellowship after my anesthesiology residency, I actually opted for critical care medicine because I thought it was an insurance policy for if anesthesiologists were to become obsolete. One thing you should know about the field of anesthesia is that we’ve seen a lot of ups and downs over the last few decades. There was a time where anesthesiologists struggled to find work which then set the stage for a huge shortage of anesthesiologists so the pendulum swung dramatically the other way and people were being paid crazy salaries.

Currently, I believe we are in a bubble in the anesthesia market. The job market is so hot. There are some really nice salaries being offered. People have been jumping ship from groups because groups down the street are poaching them with more money for less work. Why would you pass up that offer?! But history tends to repeat itself so I am skeptical that the demand for anesthesia services will remain this high.

Either way, you came here to read a rant about how my job [the anesthesiologist part; maybe I’ll tackle the ICU part at a later date] is AI-proof. Apparently this Forbes list agrees with me. (The author should have investigated the difference between a nurse anesthetist and an anesthesiologist since CRNAs were #1 and we were #11 on this list. I’ll interpret this as because the training pathway to become an anesthesiologist is longer and more expensive, it fell lower on the list.) (Also of note, 7 out of the 20 on that list are medically-related so I guess those of us in medicine picked wisely!)

So… let’s get into it:

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Maybe I need new shoes? Musings on turning my scarcity mindset into one of abundance

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane video of the day:

These are the actual shoes I’m still wearing on my clinical days in the hospital. Perhaps I’m taking my childhood scarcity mindset too far.

If you grew up in a low- to middle-class household or maybe just an Asian/immigrant household, you probably had some exposure to the scarcity mindset. I am thankful for my family’s super-frugal philosophy because it allowed me to be financially comfortable today. I am education-debt-free. I am working a lucrative career. Life is good.

But… the scarcity mindset has its downside. It means that there are some weird things I struggle to spend money on. It’s irrational. One example: I have a hard time taking Ubers/Lyfts when there is a train station/bus and my ability to use my own two legs. Once, I was out late and I didn’t feel safe while I was waiting at the platform of a train station so I walked 30+ minutes home instead of just taking a < 10 minute ride in a rideshare. In my mind, this was being frugal. Totally reasonable. [It was irrational. I can admit this now.]

Clearly I should buy new shoes but some inner voice of mine is reminding me that these are still functional. They mostly cover my feet. They mostly protect me from the bodily fluids that I’m exposed to in the operating room and ICU. They are still comfortable to walk around in. They will just end up in a landfill so I might as well keep wearing them!

Where the scarcity mindset gets tricky is when it creeps into other areas of life. I’ve seen it seep into my perspective on dating/relationships; there were moments in the last couple of years where the scarcity mindset kept me in a relationship or seeing someone that I didn’t really like, but felt like I should keep trying at it. Kind of like my shoes. They are functional so why would I trade them in for something better? There probably isn’t anything better!

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Rant: when I am feeling lonely and sad about being single

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

10/10 recommend a dog [at minimum, looking at funny videos/photos of them] to lift your spirits. Who can look at this image of Minnie asleep with her tongue hanging out?

Let’s get this out of the way: I am happy, satisfied, grateful, etc, etc for this beautiful life I get to live. I have the best job, the best friends, the best dog, and the best family. 10/10 would recommend this life.

But I’m missing the romantic partner. Heh. The other things in my life, I can somewhat control. Finding another human who chooses to put up with my quirks, finds me attractive enough to want to make babies [and of course, vice versa], and is a kind soul that I want to throw my mountains of my love at… this annoying thing… is not in my control.

So, like any human being that is starved for connection, I get sad sometimes. Like really deep dark well of sadness kind of sad. We all seem to be fluent in therapy speak these days, so yeah, there’s some sort of childhood wound that’s mostly scabbed over in the last decade or so but still rears its ugly head sometimes. I guess I have been known to pick at scabs.

Being out of medical training has helped lessen the sadness. The loneliness is lessened by the unconditional love of my dog, and strengthening of my friendships. I was always been terrible about reaching out when I was in a dark place. I appreciate my friends in residency who could pick up on the signs of my sadness and reach out to check in. But now, I’m in a place where I will actually reach out to people and let them know that I need their support. So that’s good. *pats self on back*

There is a real weight that is lifted when you’re done with residency/fellowship [do not recommend critical care fellowship in the midst of a global pandemic…] AND you’ve found a nice stride in your clinical work. Not everyone will experience this luxury that I have, which is why I have to preface this whole entry with being appreciative.

But let’s just dive right in. It sucks to feel alone in your mid-30s when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who have partners and babies [the human kind, not the fur kind]. Who have the proverbial white picket fence [or are hiring someone to build one]. Who have challenges in their marriage but are doing the work with a therapist to work things out because they realize that their partner is worth it. Who are in relationships and building something incredible together. I am happy for my friends but the constant reminder of what I’m lacking when it’s staring me in the face can make a person crazy.

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My love-hate relationship with Prozac

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Blue glow from my blue light therapy for SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

I recently posted a reel on my instagram about how I experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD) annually in the winter and how I try to manage it. One thing that I mentioned on the reel is that I will take fluoxetine (Prozac) for a short course to help me through the season.

Let’s back it up to almost 5 years ago when I was going through a major breakup. Like… we lived together. We survived most of residency together. We sort of endured the COVID pandemic together [I think that the pandemic ultimately was what accelerated the realization that we were not a good fit for each other]. And I was facing the most challenging exam of my career: anesthesia oral boards.

There was a day that I was scheduled for an afternoon operating room shift and I spent the entire morning crying. I could not stop the tears from flowing. I could not stop my mind from feeling horribly sad and despondent. You’d think that eventually your body would run out of the salty water that pours out of your eyes. But apparently my body saw no end to it and I somehow had to go to work and study for this high-stakes exam?!

That was the day I realized I needed to do something. I had to overcome the voice inside that represented my upbringing and its resistance to psychiatric ailments and the medications used to treat them. There was no way that I was going to be able to focus on studying and figure out how to live post-breakup without a little help.

So I made a virtual urgent care appointment with an internist and explained to her that I had an acute life stressor and I needed an antidepressant to help me through this period. I also made it very clear that I needed an antidepressant that would not make me gain weight or lose my libido because… well, I was single now. And I wanted to look hot for dates. And I want the ability to get aroused by potential future partners.

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The internet was once a really nice place

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Click the image above to watch my YouTube video rant.

When I started blogging here on the internet in 2011, it felt like I was writing to no one. I was an early adopter of online journaling – I used Xanga and LiveJournal and loved playing with designing on those platforms and also sharing all of my angsty thoughts on the internet. Anyway, fast forward to 2011, I am about to start at a brand new medical school, I am working as an engineer, and I am also about to start a long-distance relationship. I thought, why not document this journey and also why not share about this crazy adventure I am embarking on?!

I loved [still love!] the community I built. It was small. It was cozy. There were really nice comments. I felt like this was all I needed to keep writing and sharing. At some point, my study plans made it higher up in the internet search ranks so people were appreciative of my musings there. Everyone was so uplifting and positive and nice.

Now… people are just not nice. The internet has changed.

This is the excuse I am telling myself, at least.

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“You won’t become a doctor” 4 ways to overcome haters & achieve your goals/dreams

Amanda Xi
Click on the image above to watch the video on YouTube!

Back when I was an impressionable premedical student, my research mentor sat me down after I shared plans to leave his lab and said, “You won’t become a doctor.” He then explained that he would not be adding me to his lab alumni page on his website and that he would not write a letter of recommendation on my behalf to medical school.

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Should you bother with anesthesia fellowships? Pros and cons of fellowship and why I dropped one

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Click on the image to watch on YouTube!

The anesthesia market is HOT right now so many anesthesia residents are going straight into practice without fellowship. Even though I initially dual applied for cardiac and ICU fellowships [more on this in the video], I recognized that I was making a $1 million dollar decision to pursue an extra year of training that didn’t align with my long-term career goals… so I dropped the cardiac fellowship part.

Everyone’s decision is unique to their current situation and career goals. Sometimes your situation changes. Sometimes your career goals change. That’s all ok. I decided that ICU fellowship was the right path for me and 5 years into practice, I am still happy with this decision.

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How I survived [anesthesia] internship/residency: the 4 main things that helped me

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Click on the image to watch on YouTube!

Internship/residency were HARD. There were some REALLY low moments and some really tough scenarios that you face for the first time as a doctor-in-training. The hours are long and the work is tough. So… when I got an email that asked me to record a video about how I survived residency, it took me a little bit to reflect upon the experience and come up with 4 concrete things:

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Being an anesthesiologist is physically and mentally exhausting

Amanda Xi
Click on the image to watch on YouTube!

There’s a stereotype that anesthesiologists are hiding behind the drapes trading stocks or doing sudoku puzzles, but that’s certainly not the reality of my job! I think it’s so important to share what the reality of the job is like and one reality of being an anesthesiologist is that it can be physically and mentally exhausting. Here are some of the reasons that contribute to this:

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