Today’s inane image of the day:
When I started blogging here on the internet in 2011, it felt like I was writing to no one. I was an early adopter of online journaling – I used Xanga and LiveJournal and loved playing with designing on those platforms and also sharing all of my angsty thoughts on the internet. Anyway, fast forward to 2011, I am about to start at a brand new medical school, I am working as an engineer, and I am also about to start a long-distance relationship. I thought, why not document this journey and also why not share about this crazy adventure I am embarking on?!
I loved [still love!] the community I built. It was small. It was cozy. There were really nice comments. I felt like this was all I needed to keep writing and sharing. At some point, my study plans made it higher up in the internet search ranks so people were appreciative of my musings there. Everyone was so uplifting and positive and nice.
Now… people are just not nice. The internet has changed.
This is the excuse I am telling myself, at least.
There’s probably a combination of things. I find that I very easily can hit a writer’s block if I’m weighed down by work and life. When emotions are running around… I just cannot seem to use words [words are hard]. What are words when your brain is going a million miles per hour spiraling on life things?!
Also the mean comments [mostly on TikTok for the minute I tried that and a couple on YouTube because people are weird about anesthesia providers]. WTF happened to civility?! I am a human. I have feelings. I am delicate flower/snowflake on the inside and saying mean things really can linger and weigh me down.
But lately… maybe the other stuff/noise has finally settled and I feel more clear. The stream of creativity is slowly opening up again and I am excited about the prospect of writing and sharing with you. I maybe even started drafting a memoir[!!!].
And maybe I grew some thicker skin and care a bit less [or internalize a bit less] the negative chatter. As long as the positive, uplifting, friendly conversation continues to dominate, I think I’ll continue to show up. And honestly, it doesn’t all need to be positive… constructive comments/feedback are taken to heart and also appreciated.
YouTube is an arena that I had fun with during the pandemic and I want to keep doing. I realized as I got back into recording this video and a future one that maybe I should figure out a more sustainable way to do this stuff because while the idea generation and the recording maybe take around an hour’s worth of time, the editing process does take longer. I enjoy it [most of the time], but it’s certainly a lower barrier to write these entries compared to the video content.
For a while, I hid my dating life. Maybe it’s something about how I couldn’t erase Mike from my life when that ended because he was so fundamental to this blog and my online identity. And I didn’t want to repeat being “attached” to another person who may or may not be my forever person. But now I feel like I missed out on early thoughts from my last few relationships. By memorializing my past love, I am also able to memorialize the feelings [the really good ones that are quickly forgotten]. Doesn’t everyone love a reminder of the giddy/dizzying feeling of early love? Of early excitement? Of fantasies of how a romance could unfold and a beautiful life painted in the synapses of the mind?
Anyway, I digress. I’m back, I think. And I’m really excited[!!!]