Today’s inane image of the day:
Let’s get this out of the way: I am happy, satisfied, grateful, etc, etc for this beautiful life I get to live. I have the best job, the best friends, the best dog, and the best family. 10/10 would recommend this life.
But I’m missing the romantic partner. Heh. The other things in my life, I can somewhat control. Finding another human who chooses to put up with my quirks, finds me attractive enough to want to make babies [and of course, vice versa], and is a kind soul that I want to throw my mountains of my love at… this annoying thing… is not in my control.
So, like any human being that is starved for connection, I get sad sometimes. Like really deep dark well of sadness kind of sad. We all seem to be fluent in therapy speak these days, so yeah, there’s some sort of childhood wound that’s mostly scabbed over in the last decade or so but still rears its ugly head sometimes. I guess I have been known to pick at scabs.
Being out of medical training has helped lessen the sadness. The loneliness is lessened by the unconditional love of my dog, and strengthening of my friendships. I was always been terrible about reaching out when I was in a dark place. I appreciate my friends in residency who could pick up on the signs of my sadness and reach out to check in. But now, I’m in a place where I will actually reach out to people and let them know that I need their support. So that’s good. *pats self on back*
There is a real weight that is lifted when you’re done with residency/fellowship [do not recommend critical care fellowship in the midst of a global pandemic…] AND you’ve found a nice stride in your clinical work. Not everyone will experience this luxury that I have, which is why I have to preface this whole entry with being appreciative.
But let’s just dive right in. It sucks to feel alone in your mid-30s when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who have partners and babies [the human kind, not the fur kind]. Who have the proverbial white picket fence [or are hiring someone to build one]. Who have challenges in their marriage but are doing the work with a therapist to work things out because they realize that their partner is worth it. Who are in relationships and building something incredible together. I am happy for my friends but the constant reminder of what I’m lacking when it’s staring me in the face can make a person crazy.
Certain life things are just easier when you have a partner. I’ve been going through the process to freeze my eggs. And you know what you need when you freeze your eggs? A responsible adult to pick you up after your anesthetic [during the egg retrieval process, patients typically get sedation with propofol]. When you’re a single lady with bada** professional friends, it’s hard to ask them to rearrange their lives to pick you up on a random morning. I want to just tell the clinic that the anesthesiologist is my responsible adult. They’re my colleague. I’ll just sit in my office at work until I’m recovered. Promise! As long as I don’t get any midazolam!
[Doctors make the worst patients.]
I want the security of knowing that someone else cares that I am alive at the end of each day. That there’s another human being that will open their arms to me and wrap me in a warm embrace when I’m having a tough day. I want to know that I can ask things of a partner and they want to be there for me. I want to know that someone cares enough about me to try to make life better/easier [Snow storm? Someone who loves me enough to drive me to work!].
Prior to this current season of my life, I was a serial monogamist. I had a serious relationship in high school. Then college into medical school. Then residency. And now… this is the longest period of my life that I’ve been single. When I look back at my serious relationships, I can’t help but wonder, did I f-up and fumble something that would have been good for me long term?
[The answer is no. None of those relationships should have worked out, BUT, only in retrospect can I appreciate what characteristics I took for granted. Like, really took for granted.]
The thought that I’m most scared of when I’m in this dark place: what if I never find another relationship?
When I reflect on this single season in my life, what scares me is that I haven’t grown close to any potential partner in years. It is not for lack of trying. Ask my friends – I’ve been on dates. A lot of dates. I meet people. I make time to date. I try to give people a couple of chances to make an impression on me. But nothing has stuck. Nothing recently has felt like a good connection with aligned values that could actually go somewhere.
What is going on?! I am not that picky. I believe there are suitable men out there for me. I make the effort to meet people. But nothing is sticking.
I think that there are a lot of people on the apps that are purely seeking validation. And a lot of people out there that are just not willing to put in any effort [not prioritizing dating and finding a partner, probably].
No one has offered a set up – I’m open to them! Promise!
Anyway, there is a real catharsis with writing down these thoughts. I am loving the DMs I’ve gotten from people who are in the same boat as me [Hi! Keep sending me messages!]. Even though I’m scared that there may be a universe where I will never find someone to call my partner, I do believe in my heart that it’s possible for me. That it will happen. Someday. [#manifesting]