Today’s inane image of the day:
Let’s get this out of the way: I am happy, satisfied, grateful, etc, etc for this beautiful life I get to live. I have the best job, the best friends, the best dog, and the best family. 10/10 would recommend this life.
But I’m missing the romantic partner. Heh. The other things in my life, I can somewhat control. Finding another human who chooses to put up with my quirks, finds me attractive enough to want to make babies [and of course, vice versa], and is a kind soul that I want to throw my mountains of my love at… this annoying thing… is not in my control.
So, like any human being that is starved for connection, I get sad sometimes. Like really deep dark well of sadness kind of sad. We all seem to be fluent in therapy speak these days, so yeah, there’s some sort of childhood wound that’s mostly scabbed over in the last decade or so but still rears its ugly head sometimes. I guess I have been known to pick at scabs.
Being out of medical training has helped lessen the sadness. The loneliness is lessened by the unconditional love of my dog, and strengthening of my friendships. I was always been terrible about reaching out when I was in a dark place. I appreciate my friends in residency who could pick up on the signs of my sadness and reach out to check in. But now, I’m in a place where I will actually reach out to people and let them know that I need their support. So that’s good. *pats self on back*
There is a real weight that is lifted when you’re done with residency/fellowship [do not recommend critical care fellowship in the midst of a global pandemic…] AND you’ve found a nice stride in your clinical work. Not everyone will experience this luxury that I have, which is why I have to preface this whole entry with being appreciative.
But let’s just dive right in. It sucks to feel alone in your mid-30s when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who have partners and babies [the human kind, not the fur kind]. Who have the proverbial white picket fence [or are hiring someone to build one]. Who have challenges in their marriage but are doing the work with a therapist to work things out because they realize that their partner is worth it. Who are in relationships and building something incredible together. I am happy for my friends but the constant reminder of what I’m lacking when it’s staring me in the face can make a person crazy.
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