life

Maybe I need new shoes? Musings on turning my scarcity mindset into one of abundance

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane video of the day:

These are the actual shoes I’m still wearing on my clinical days in the hospital. Perhaps I’m taking my childhood scarcity mindset too far.

If you grew up in a low- to middle-class household or maybe just an Asian/immigrant household, you probably had some exposure to the scarcity mindset. I am thankful for my family’s super-frugal philosophy because it allowed me to be financially comfortable today. I am education-debt-free. I am working a lucrative career. Life is good.

But… the scarcity mindset has its downside. It means that there are some weird things I struggle to spend money on. It’s irrational. One example: I have a hard time taking Ubers/Lyfts when there is a train station/bus and my ability to use my own two legs. Once, I was out late and I didn’t feel safe while I was waiting at the platform of a train station so I walked 30+ minutes home instead of just taking a < 10 minute ride in a rideshare. In my mind, this was being frugal. Totally reasonable. [It was irrational. I can admit this now.]

Clearly I should buy new shoes but some inner voice of mine is reminding me that these are still functional. They mostly cover my feet. They mostly protect me from the bodily fluids that I’m exposed to in the operating room and ICU. They are still comfortable to walk around in. They will just end up in a landfill so I might as well keep wearing them!

Where the scarcity mindset gets tricky is when it creeps into other areas of life. I’ve seen it seep into my perspective on dating/relationships; there were moments in the last couple of years where the scarcity mindset kept me in a relationship or seeing someone that I didn’t really like, but felt like I should keep trying at it. Kind of like my shoes. They are functional so why would I trade them in for something better? There probably isn’t anything better!

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Rant: when I am feeling lonely and sad about being single

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

10/10 recommend a dog [at minimum, looking at funny videos/photos of them] to lift your spirits. Who can look at this image of Minnie asleep with her tongue hanging out?

Let’s get this out of the way: I am happy, satisfied, grateful, etc, etc for this beautiful life I get to live. I have the best job, the best friends, the best dog, and the best family. 10/10 would recommend this life.

But I’m missing the romantic partner. Heh. The other things in my life, I can somewhat control. Finding another human who chooses to put up with my quirks, finds me attractive enough to want to make babies [and of course, vice versa], and is a kind soul that I want to throw my mountains of my love at… this annoying thing… is not in my control.

So, like any human being that is starved for connection, I get sad sometimes. Like really deep dark well of sadness kind of sad. We all seem to be fluent in therapy speak these days, so yeah, there’s some sort of childhood wound that’s mostly scabbed over in the last decade or so but still rears its ugly head sometimes. I guess I have been known to pick at scabs.

Being out of medical training has helped lessen the sadness. The loneliness is lessened by the unconditional love of my dog, and strengthening of my friendships. I was always been terrible about reaching out when I was in a dark place. I appreciate my friends in residency who could pick up on the signs of my sadness and reach out to check in. But now, I’m in a place where I will actually reach out to people and let them know that I need their support. So that’s good. *pats self on back*

There is a real weight that is lifted when you’re done with residency/fellowship [do not recommend critical care fellowship in the midst of a global pandemic…] AND you’ve found a nice stride in your clinical work. Not everyone will experience this luxury that I have, which is why I have to preface this whole entry with being appreciative.

But let’s just dive right in. It sucks to feel alone in your mid-30s when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who have partners and babies [the human kind, not the fur kind]. Who have the proverbial white picket fence [or are hiring someone to build one]. Who have challenges in their marriage but are doing the work with a therapist to work things out because they realize that their partner is worth it. Who are in relationships and building something incredible together. I am happy for my friends but the constant reminder of what I’m lacking when it’s staring me in the face can make a person crazy.

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My love-hate relationship with Prozac

Amanda Xi

Today’s inane image of the day:

Blue glow from my blue light therapy for SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

I recently posted a reel on my instagram about how I experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD) annually in the winter and how I try to manage it. One thing that I mentioned on the reel is that I will take fluoxetine (Prozac) for a short course to help me through the season.

Let’s back it up to almost 5 years ago when I was going through a major breakup. Like… we lived together. We survived most of residency together. We sort of endured the COVID pandemic together [I think that the pandemic ultimately was what accelerated the realization that we were not a good fit for each other]. And I was facing the most challenging exam of my career: anesthesia oral boards.

There was a day that I was scheduled for an afternoon operating room shift and I spent the entire morning crying. I could not stop the tears from flowing. I could not stop my mind from feeling horribly sad and despondent. You’d think that eventually your body would run out of the salty water that pours out of your eyes. But apparently my body saw no end to it and I somehow had to go to work and study for this high-stakes exam?!

That was the day I realized I needed to do something. I had to overcome the voice inside that represented my upbringing and its resistance to psychiatric ailments and the medications used to treat them. There was no way that I was going to be able to focus on studying and figure out how to live post-breakup without a little help.

So I made a virtual urgent care appointment with an internist and explained to her that I had an acute life stressor and I needed an antidepressant to help me through this period. I also made it very clear that I needed an antidepressant that would not make me gain weight or lose my libido because… well, I was single now. And I wanted to look hot for dates. And I want the ability to get aroused by potential future partners.

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