Today’s inane image of the day:
I spent the majority of my life feeling the pressure to “hustle.” That productivity was equated with my worth. If I wasn’t productive, then what purpose do I serve?
I’m not sure where this stemmed from, but I suspect the goal of becoming a physician and growing up in an immigrant household may have played a role. I wonder if I would be “successful” today if I lacked this misguided drive. So, the pressure isn’t all negative.
I recently started listening to Ali Abdaal’s Feel Good Productivity. He starts the book with a scene when he is a new resident working a holiday. He is asked to do a million things and is feeling overwhelmed by it all. At some point, he is able to shift his mindset from “I have to do this…” to “I get to do this…” I think there is some value to this. But the premise of his book is based on this idea: what happens if I make the task or goal more fun? He posits that productivity stems from this approach.
In the last few years, I have shifted my mindset. I get to work at an incredible hospital. I get to influence patients’ lives. I get to experience sun/clouds/rain/snow. While this mindset shift has certainly helped me maintain perspective, Abdaal’s opening chapter reminded me of my own initiation into becoming a physician. I started to wonder: had I not experienced the hardship of 36 hour calls and pressure from a million tasks, would I have the perspective that I have today?
It all feels like a catch-22 in my mind. In order to achieve the level of success I have, I believe I needed to have a “hustle” mindset. I believe that I had to work hard and defer joy. Luckily, I am healthy and have the opportunity to experience the fruits of my labor. But sometimes, I wonder if I would have felt the same way if I suddenly fell ill in the midst of training. Would the sleepless nights, poor self-worth, and general exhaustion from medical training have been worth it if I couldn’t experience my life today? I imagine my answer would have been “no.”
Then again, when I look back at the photos from earlier in training, I notice that there are moments captured that were meaningful. I reflect back on one of my 36 hour calls when I sat with a patient who had insomnia and learned about her life. I reflect on supporting another intern during a code in the ICU. I reflect on feeling gratitude from a patient for my care. Even the vacation time that I used to go to conferences in lieu of traditional “vacation” is associated with a feeling of doing good work. Sure, it was “work,” but ultimately, it was an investment in something bigger than me.
All of this to say, I am now in a point at my life where I can slow down. I am slowly distancing myself from productivity = worth. I am able to enjoy a quiet morning in my home with coffee and non-stop dog kisses. I am able to reflect during my commute to and from work. I am able to plan a vacation and create distance between me and the hospital. In this era/chapter of my life, I’m working toward believing every moment of the day need not be productive.