Today’s inane image of the day:
I was recently reflecting on who I was during internship, residency, and fellowship. You might be wondering, “What does that even mean?”
There was a period in my life where I staunchly believed that people do not change. You are fundamentally who you are. There then came an era where I was less sure of this assertion. I started to waver in my belief as I watched my parents evolve. I noticed that my friends showed up in different ways over the years and during life events. I reflected on my own journey and who I was. I wondered if, maybe, people could change.
I’ve now come back full circle in my belief that people have a fundamental foundation… but the way that it is presented and shows up changes with the situation.
In the last couple of years, I’ve been given the opportunity to reflect on how I showed up for my friendships and romantic relationships during each period of my life. For most of grade school, I didn’t feel like I belonged. It’s lonely to feel that way. In early college, I felt like there was a discovery period with being out in the middle of nowhere, immersed in liberal arts, and individuals who came to the institutions with very different goals.
When I transferred back to Michigan, it was like going home, but in an odd time-traveling kind of way. I recognized the people I grew up with, but the two years away made it somehow different. At Michigan, I started to understand what it felt like to be part of a community. But I was also so insecure about my body and self. I made some questionable, immature decisions.
In medical school, I thought that I was an adult. That I was mature. When I watched someone die during the summer between my first and second year of medical school, it sat with me. I can still see the image of the scene in my mind. It seemed that this should have been enough to conclude that I had transitioned out of my youth. Medical school was an interesting time. One of these days, I should go through the blog’s archives to read my own account of the experience. But my reflection of the period was that it was a time of immense growth.
Internship was a pivotal moment in my life/career. It was a tough year for me on so many levels. It was immensely anxiety-provoking but satisfying. It was also when my long-term relationship ended, and I had to figure out how to date.
Residency seemed like a new beginning. A new city. A new specialty to learn. New people to meet. My first year in residency was filled with connecting with my co-residents and “trauma-bounding,” as they call it these days. There were a lot of really dark moments. In fact, I’d actually say that residency might have been one of my darkest times. I could tell that something felt off about the experience, but culturally, I couldn’t call it what I knew it was: depression.
There were moments during residency when I did not bring my best self to work. To my friendships. To my relationship. I was literally insufferable to be around [truth – thank you to my trusted friend for pointing this out to me].
The time and distance from residency have given me more perspective. It’s also why I try my best to assume that every trainee I’m working with is trying their best. We do not know what internal demons they are struggling with. We do not understand what darkness they may be trying to deny. Sometimes, I am still not my best self at work; it has become obvious to me that I do not function well when I am sleep-deprived [I warn everyone when I’m on nights that I can get “grumpy”… I still have to figure out a way to lower the bar for someone to call me out on my grumpiness].
Anyway, all of this to say, I think that through all of these chapters of my life, I fundamentally contain a soft, squishy heart that just wants to be kind and do the right thing. I crave human connection. I crave the gratification of helping another human. I just didn’t know how to articulate that, nor did I have the cognitive space to show this during my dark times.
If you’re able to slow down and reflect, I hope you can find the time to articulate the essence of who you are and how you want to show up each day.