Author: Amanda Xi

Today’s inane video of the day:

If you grew up in a low- to middle-class household or maybe just an Asian/immigrant household, you probably had some exposure to the scarcity mindset. I am thankful for my family’s super-frugal philosophy because it allowed me to be financially comfortable today. I am education-debt-free. I am working a lucrative career. Life is good.

But… the scarcity mindset has its downside. It means that there are some weird things I struggle to spend money on. It’s irrational. One example: I have a hard time taking Ubers/Lyfts when there is a train station/bus and my ability to use my own two legs. Once, I was out late and I didn’t feel safe while I was waiting at the platform of a train station so I walked 30+ minutes home instead of just taking a < 10 minute ride in a rideshare. In my mind, this was being frugal. Totally reasonable. [It was irrational. I can admit this now.]

Clearly I should buy new shoes but some inner voice of mine is reminding me that these are still functional. They mostly cover my feet. They mostly protect me from the bodily fluids that I’m exposed to in the operating room and ICU. They are still comfortable to walk around in. They will just end up in a landfill so I might as well keep wearing them!

Where the scarcity mindset gets tricky is when it creeps into other areas of life. I’ve seen it seep into my perspective on dating/relationships; there were moments in the last couple of years where the scarcity mindset kept me in a relationship or seeing someone that I didn’t really like, but felt like I should keep trying at it. Kind of like my shoes. They are functional so why would I trade them in for something better? There probably isn’t anything better!

Today’s inane image of the day:

I recently posted a reel on my instagram about how I experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD) annually in the winter and how I try to manage it. One thing that I mentioned on the reel is that I will take fluoxetine (Prozac) for a short course to help me through the season.

Let’s back it up to almost 5 years ago when I was going through a major breakup. Like… we lived together. We survived most of residency together. We sort of endured the COVID pandemic together [I think that the pandemic ultimately was what accelerated the realization that we were not a good fit for each other]. And I was facing the most challenging exam of my career: anesthesia oral boards.

There was a day that I was scheduled for an afternoon operating room shift and I spent the entire morning crying. I could not stop the tears from flowing. I could not stop my mind from feeling horribly sad and despondent. You’d think that eventually your body would run out of the salty water that pours out of your eyes. But apparently my body saw no end to it and I somehow had to go to work and study for this high-stakes exam?!

That was the day I realized I needed to do something. I had to overcome the voice inside that represented my upbringing and its resistance to psychiatric ailments and the medications used to treat them. There was no way that I was going to be able to focus on studying and figure out how to live post-breakup without a little help.

So I made a virtual urgent care appointment with an internist and explained to her that I had an acute life stressor and I needed an antidepressant to help me through this period. I also made it very clear that I needed an antidepressant that would not make me gain weight or lose my libido because… well, I was single now. And I wanted to look hot for dates. And I want the ability to get aroused by potential future partners.